Healing is not linear…
more of a diary post this time.
“Healing”
It’s such a trendy word now, but back 5 years ago, not so much.
If I said I was “healing” you would look at me like I said I was going to go live in the woods and practice woo-woo magic until the end of my years.
Now when I say that “I’m focusing on healing”, I get a “clock-it” finger snap and “Yes queen” slayed my way.
However, do we actually know what “healing” really looks like?
Is it light and fluffy work that has one at a spa all day long, ignoring all adult duties, ready to play?
Well, sometimes, yes;
But most of the time, it is a grueling, excruciating experience that has one regretting ever opening the pandoras box that is: “healing”
Healing is at best; not linear.
Healing is a rollercoaster that makes you want to throw up while spinning in elation at the heights you can achieve with the mindset of:
“I am not what happened to me, I am not broken, I am a work in progress shaped by my experiences”
I am a masterpiece, shaped by every failed step taken.
The last few months have been just that- a major, thrilling roll coaster.
Up, down, spun around and gasping for air at times.
But also something so majestic and exhilarating.
I am finally taking the time to document the last several months so I can remember those amazing magical moments, because those highlights are what allow me to keep trudging through those dark, deep wound exposing times.
If you don’t care about the details, feel free skip to the pictures, otherwise, here is a brief recap of this joy-ride called “life”.
In February, I had hip surgery for a labrum repair. Turns out, your body, if ignored long enough, will fire everything at you and get you a fibromyalgia diagnosis that slows you down so much, in order to discover that you actually have a labrum tear in two places and thats why your your body keeps crashing out every other week.
Prior to the surgery, I also chopped my hair off, because.. honestly feck it. Ya know? Plus I felt like it would be way easier to deal with while being in the bed for weeks. Post surgery, I was still finishing up school and spent a lot of quality bed time with the kiddos.
2 weeks later, I celebrated 15 years clean and sober after probably one of the hardest years I’ve experienced, since first getting sober.
In March, roughly around 5 weeks post -op, I went to Croatia with Taylor and her school.
What an absolutely beautiful gift to experience this place with this maturing young adult.
Matching tattoos with friends and powerful symbols of what it looks like to keep going despite the growing pains of life.
When we arrived home from Croatia, we found a kitten stranded under a car, yelping for help in the airport parking lot. Of course we rescued her.
One week later, our black cat that had gotten out while we were in Ireland, the year before, was FINALLY captured with the help of a neighbor. He was feral for over a year, (what a great perspective in PTSD, cause this black cat is JUMPY.) We got him fixed and all rehabbed and “healed” up.
Unfortunately, the kitten that we rescued, did not make it through the spaying procedure due to an underlying health issue which was devastating and confusing to us all.
The boys have been racing like professionals.
James won his first race (per the Facebook post a little bit ago) and Jude continues to win money weekly for his top 5 finishes in the class above James.
April truly felt like spring, a renewing of a life. I started feeling like “me” again and even start going to concerts again. Florence and the Machine & Mt. Joy to start this year off, with at least 5 more shows scheduled to enjoy.
We also started college tours. Which, oof. Add all the tissue boxes to the Amazon cart.
May has been off to a great start so far. Taylor had her junior prom last week.
She is just the most amazing & beautiful human. I love watching her grow.
I have officially finished the PMHNP Program and have started to study for boards which I plan to take next month.
With great joy and well, some apprehension and a teaspoon sized amount of crazy, I have enrolled in the Doctor of Psychology Program.
Dave and I are doing well navigating what “healing” looks like in a relationship context.
Spoiler, it doesn’t lack ups & downs.
I am proud of our progress and how we show up in life separately and together.
Recalibrating Healing
I truly feel like I lost an entire year, starting around this time last year.
By October of last year, I could barely walk the block with the kids on Halloween. It would be another month before I even knew I had an injury.
I had stopped being able to work out, even doing yoga at home was an issue.
Collectively, I probably spent 3-4 months in bed last year. That’s 90-120 days in bed, as a fairly active person.
That will do things to a persons mental well being…
This past month I have finally started feeling like me again.
My family can attest that. I haven’t gotten back into the habit of cooking full dinners yet, but I have been able to function without daily debilitating “bed-time” to reset. I have been able to declutter, ran for the first time in a year last week, gone to concerts, and have been able to enjoy going to the race track and just doing all of life again, without spending a week in bed after.
Thank God for medication that helped me through.
(Shoutout to Gabapentin.)
Thank God for doctors who truly listened to me. Thank god for the loving support of those around us, that have picked us up as a family; spiritually, mentally and even physically when we cannot fathom doing one more thing.
Healing is not & never will be linear
There will forever be valleys and mountains. And even plains that seem to go on and on and on forever and ever.
While in this “Healing Girl Era” I have to remember that I’m not healing to a destination. It’s really not an “era”; it’s a lifestyle that I have to consistently choose.
I’m not aiming for perfection. I won’t ever be HEALED. I will die with many wounds unscabbed.
However, I am striving towards being a whole being in the healthiest way, so I can be who I am meant to be.
The many lessons, not even mentioned (which are deeply personal, that I may share another time) that I have learned, have been invaluable this past year.
Healing isn’t linear, but it is worth it.
